Well it seems the chemical end of a depressive phase is leading way to a bit of an intense manic episode.  I can't sleep, I feel like a whole new person, and I'm about to attempt to start a relationship with Raj.  I spent EIGHT hours immaculately cleaning out my car yesterday.  There was a film of salt and sand covering most of the interior that I had to scrub off.  I guess I brought some of Biloxi home with me.

I was so so depressed last week.  It's strange but fitting that my chemical state is more like a slingshot than a pendulum.  If you just barely pull on the thing, it doesn't do anything, but if I have a major depressive episode, it tends to fling me over to the other side on a moment's notice.  I wonder if I may have a touch of dysmorphia thrown in there too, because I feel like I even look different to myself in the mirror.

A brain is a strange thing.

Whenever life has been getting me down, or I'm just not excited enough with my day to day affairs, I spend lots of money.  It makes me feel better.When I was in Vegas I blew through about $1500.  Now granted, part of that was a loan to Joe-Steve that it seems I will never get back.  That's kind of okay, because if Vegas were the last time I see him or Jaysen, my life would be perfectly fine.

Part of spending money for me is gaining weight.  A lot of the money I spend is on food and alcohol.  I've got to get my shit together.  It feels so much harder o be healthy here than it was in Biloxi.  I miss a lot of things about Biloxi a lot.  I see a path through Blockbuster that I could have made things work out, but I will never go back.  And Memphis would never be the same.  I just want to move away from all of this.  I never want to run into someone I went to school with ever again.  I don't want to stand out.  I just want to be one of the millions of fish.

One of the things that's getting me down is being good at my job.  I try to stay humble, but I'm better at my job than anyone else there.  And I hate the little remarks that people make tying together degradation and a compliment.  I'm tired of the sarcasm.  Just get the fuck over it that I know what I'm doing.  You should to.  A fifth grader could do what we do.

And so I continue, digging myself farther into a hole of debt, trudging bitter and angry into the abyss...

In general, life has been pretty boring, in a pretty good way.  I miss the amazing weather and exercise-friendly infrastructure of the Gulf Coast, but I'm not going to complain about living in a nice house with good food for free.  My job is still awesome, and I could see myself working at the Park Vista for as long as my grandmother is alive.  If anything were to ever happen to her, I would more than likely move, but I've already talked to my mom about alternative arrangements.  She's selling her car, which I turned down, and my car's doing pretty good.  I still have a spoiler and muffler on my list of things to buy as money becomes available.  At the same time, I will be taking advantage of a great opportunity at the end of the month.  I found tickets to Las Vegas for about $160 round trip (which surprisingly is $125+taxes from Hell), and I get comped rooms at almost anywhere.  I don't think that's because I play that much, I just think they're desperate to get anyone out there.  So I got a suite at the Rio.  I know it's off the Strip (and I so almost booked the Flamingo), but it's just so freaking cool.  Half naked people and Chippendales running around all over the place and one of the biggest pools in Vegas and therefore the world, I mean, come on.  It's perfect.  I'm really excited.  Not a whole lot else going on here, but of course, there will be a friends only entry with some of the more juicy stuff :)

I've had a rough time dealing with the fact that I will never see Adam again, despite all of his faults.  So I sent him a letter via Facebook message.  I feel a little better, but the end of a friendship always hurts.



The lyrics cut deep into my soul. Cuz I'm emo like that.
( "Closure" lyrics )

It was so good to have my mom come in town to see me :)

Some of the things we did:

• Got fed at the Shed
• Visited the casinos
• Drive-thru daiquiris
• Stennis Space Center
• Toured the MS West Coast
• Rode the Tour Train
• Peter Anderson Craft Festival
• Karaoke in Ocean Springs (Mom even sang to me!)
• Toured NOLA
• Partied on Bourbon Street

I can't wait to get home.  This really was a nice finale to the area. 

I feel done with Biloxi.  It's time to start over again.

Smooth and easy sailing.  I can't wait for my mom to come in town!

So now that I have time, I'm gonna finish the update from the previous entry.  Adam and I both were really excited about a job that we interviewed bartending at a really nice hotel here making $6/hour.  Seemed like a really great opportunity, but they never called us back.  I've been really nervous about the job I have at the airport and may even be doing a little bit of self-sabotage now that there's potential for me to have a replacement job.  See, nothing is set in stone or anything, but they need someone else in Gifting at the resort, and if nothing else, that would save me money in gas to be back working close to where I live again.  The strong potential downside would be that I would be working with the people who I live with, but that could strengthen our relationship and serve as a transition into a new phase of actual friendship between all of us.  The most recent interactions I've had with the roommates have been less than positive, so I would definitely be down to just make things better if that was an option, instead of seeking a new place to live, which doesn't really seem viable under my current financial restraints.

The other day, Saturday, I believe, I came into the house to get chastised for how bad my turtles smelled.  Linda told me that she had spent all the money that i had just given her for groceries on air fresheners.  There'd been some other little things happen lately that have made me feel uncomfortable living in that house, but I'm also really sensitive right now because I'm so stressed.  Well, I talked to Linda on Sunday, and it turns out she had been in a pretty bad place for the past couple days because of bad news from the doctor, which is one of the reasons they're looking for me to do the job in Gifting.  I could one day be Linda's replacement if she were to get really sick.  Anyway, I bought some new turtle supplies yesterday due to a generous donation by my grandmother, and hopefully everything starts to feel a little more calm over the next few days.

Blockbuster, oh Blockbuster, is playing me like everybody else has.  We're waiting for me to be uploaded into their system, so I got sent home yesterday and told not to come in today.  At least that will assure that when I do start working that I will get paid, but Jesus Christ.  Adam's still jobless-ish, too, as the fishing boat hasn't paid him anything yet.  We've both always got good leads, but then bad results.

Katy Dawn's wedding is very quickly sneaking up on me, and I don't think I was really prepared for what all this is going to entail.  I want Dawn to have the best wedding ever, but I feel kind of useless from down here in Biloxi.  I also realized that I am not even close to being financially prepared for some of the obligations, so I did something that I'll be kicking myself for down the road: I applied for a special "wedding credit card."  There's not really anything special about the credit card, other than the fact that all I could get approved for right now is a $500 limit, an annual fee, and a 24.9% APR.  The only thing that makes it "wedding" is that I'm going to hold that card specifically for wedding expenses.  After Dawn's wedding, I'm still going to have other weddings to participate in, travel to, and buy gifts for, so I'll try my damndest to get it paid off in time for the next wedding to charge it back up again.  I feel like $500 should be about what I should spend on a wedding as a brides/groomsman, although I would love to do more.  And I know that everyone knows how hard it is for everybody right now, but I'm committed to making this work, one way or the other!

I know that things will get better soon, but I've been telling myself that since I got out of college, and really the whole time I was in college too.  All I can do is try to appreciate the good climate and the good friends I have left and keep trying to be healthy.  I mean, I've been living a much healthier lifestyle without money, and that really should mean a lot.  Maybe I'll be at my goal weight by the time of Dawn's wedding.  That would at least be something to be proud of.

What. A. Month.  July was intense to say the least. 

I'm gonna start with the Memphis trip. 

( Part 1: Canoeing with Chris )
( Part 2: Bat Mitzvah )
( Part 3: Brittstravaganza! )
Life since the Memphis trip has been kind of rough.  My mom did give me way more money than I had expected, and my grandparents sent me off with nothing but some shirts that Pop-pop didn't want.  I continued the job hunt, which at times felt more like begging, and I've finally got a new job, which I start today, at the Blockbuster.  July 26th was actually a pretty important day in the life of Jacob.  Through strange karma, my phone committed suicide.  It was like Final Destination.  My phone somehow was supposed to have been lost in that river, but it made it through.  So now I have a new phone, that's the day I got the job, I gave my old laptop to Adam, I took out my neck ring (due to a missing ball and it being slightly crooked and off-center), and I got two new (to me) pet turtles.  I've actually go to head off to the new job now, but I'll try to update more often.  Hasta!

I am very proud to be the newest crew member of the IP Casino Resort Spa in Biloxi, MS!!!

I can't believe I've finally made it into a casino career!  I've been working so hard for this for the past couple years, and this is absolutely surreal.  It was unofficial on the 24th, but I wanted to wait until all of my paperwork and my drug screening were complete before I made any kind of announcement.

I went through wardrobe today, and I'm super stoked about my uniform.  It's a tan suit (which is washer-safe!) with the most gorgeous blue button-up shirt.  I've got a parking decal for my car.  I've got a badge.  Only thing I don't have yet is my nametag which I'll pick-up at orientation on Wednesday.  Seriously freaking-out excited.

I was supposed to have had an interview today with USAirways Express, and I went to the airport to go do it, but then when I got there, I didn't actually interview.  There were a lot of people waiting, and the job didn't pay as well, so I just said to Hell with it.  The casino job will work out much better to allow me to continue working at the airport for Grand Crowne and all of the benefits that come along with that.

I'm just so excited, I can't wait.  Now how to tell Grand Crowne I got a second job without losing my salary from them, that may take some skill...