I'm the roulette player.
I bet the numbers.
35 to 1.
They call me foolish.
Worst odds in the casino.
It's the thrill of the game--
You win big & you lose big.
But damn, it's fun to play.
I never know what will happen
Some days are better than others,
And when it pays
It is indescribable.
Sure, it can go quick
beat me up fast
but it still feels good
to have played at all.
I'll never win as much as I lose,
at least on paper.
The experience stays with me
completely worth whatever it costs.
The wheel will never beat me.
I'm a lucky bastard.
And even when I lose
Being an Oak
Looks strong as an oak
Solid and green
But fall is always coming.
No one would know
the winter storms
he's had to persevere
without the cover
of his beautiful leaves.
He's frail and vulnerable
and every year is the same
Growing fresh new leaves
just to lose them again.
Lightning could strike
at any time
and finish him off.
But he has to grow stronger.
They're going to build
for the little girl to play.
She'll need his shade,
his shelter from the storms.
He knows he won't last
but while he's here
He's strong as an oak.
It's the Year of the Snake, Jake the Snake, that is.
This year is about me. I need to fix me. Over the past few days I've made some important realizations about the things I need to do to feel complete again. So here's my commitments:
- Continue my resolution to travel. It's all about self-fulfillment and revitalization. Travel is good for the soul. And travel I will! I'm committed to reaching HHonors Gold Status by going on at least a mini-vacation each month. This is going to be awesome.
- I'm going to be healthy. I just smoked my last cigarette. I can't just up and quit cold turkey unless I'm ready, and I'm ready.
- I'm going to eat much better. It's totally okay to splurge occasionally, but I can do this. I'll be trying not to eat after 8pm, avoiding fried foods, and sticking to more proteins, fruits, and vegetables.
- I'm recommitting to exercise at least every other day, like I did in Biloxi. No shit, I gained 75 pounds over the past 2 years, and that's gotta go.
- I'm following through on my "Be Like Adam" plan of customer service. The friendlier and more humorous I am with my guests, the happier all of us will be.
- I'm going to keep my room and car in order. If I've got to be in a place that isn't my own, at least I can keep it safe and organized.
I can do this. I'm so ready!
A couple of days ago I got plastered in honor of Midnight Voyage before the Valarium closes, Chelsea visiting town, and of course, my birthday. We went back over to Chelsea's old house, and I was sitting on this like barstool type chair on the front porch, and I guess I passed out or something.
Next thing I knew I was plummeting forward with pretty much no control over my body and no time to react. FACE SMASH. I landed right on my face on the railing to the porch. Besides a miniscule chip to one of my front teeth, nothing was broken. My lip is extremely swollen on the right side, and my left knee is scraped, and I had pain in my right hand yesterday, but nothing seems that awful.
I've never been in a fight before, so as far as I can remember, I've never been busted up on the face like this. I have been kinda proud of it, but I feel like I'm embarrassing to my work and family. It's disheartening. Maybe it's a guy thing, but I want to wear my scars with pride. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I party hard. And the bigger you are, the harder you fall.
So I'm going to go ahead and enjoy feeling badass for the next few days, even if my disaster was sort of self-inflicted. I think I'm just as proud either way.
I'm proud to be Jewish. I like a lot of the traditions, the heritage, and some of the ethics. But I don't know how I feel about God. for the longest time, I've believed in a shared energy source, a common bond throughout the universe that pulls things together. It's something beyond the current grasp of physics. I believe that people have a power inside them to change things through thought, or at least to influence things in a way that is beyond our direct actions.
But I don't like the concept of "God." There's something about it, just calling it that, that reminds me of oppression and ignorance. Organized religion, Christianity in particular, has completely destroyed my respect for "God."
I feel like this is more about the actions and not the concepts. There are some respectable aspects of Scientology. From my, albeit limited, understanding of the religion, it's like a bunch of therapy sessions helping people to accept what they've done in their life and learning to move on from that. Let's ignore the fact that the religion is based on science fiction, which doesn't actually seem all that different from most religions. Christianity, in its current form, encourages people to focus on what happens in the afterlife and judge other people now, while simultaneously claiming that they don't do either one.
Well, the problem is that my disdain for Christianity is turning into a disdain for the word "God." Every Facebook post I see on my news feed or church sign I pass reminds me of the hatred that I've faced in my own life because of their concept of God.
It leads to me being judgmental, the thing that I'm critical of in the first place. I see Christians as hateful and ignorant. It's something I would love to overcome. I don't want to feel this way. But prejudices don't go away just because you recognize their existence, and often times they have some precautionary basis. Perhaps I should be a little hesitant about people who are overtly Christian. I mean, I don't expect to find myself in Kevin Smith's Red State, but bad things do happen to little gay Jewish boys. In the meantime, I'll try not to be so offended by God. Alanis would expect better from me.
Well it seems the chemical end of a depressive phase is leading way to a bit of an intense manic episode. I can't sleep, I feel like a whole new person, and I'm about to attempt to start a relationship with Raj. I spent EIGHT hours immaculately cleaning out my car yesterday. There was a film of salt and sand covering most of the interior that I had to scrub off. I guess I brought some of Biloxi home with me.
I was so so depressed last week. It's strange but fitting that my chemical state is more like a slingshot than a pendulum. If you just barely pull on the thing, it doesn't do anything, but if I have a major depressive episode, it tends to fling me over to the other side on a moment's notice. I wonder if I may have a touch of dysmorphia thrown in there too, because I feel like I even look different to myself in the mirror.
A brain is a strange thing.
Whenever life has been getting me down, or I'm just not excited enough with my day to day affairs, I spend lots of money. It makes me feel better.When I was in Vegas I blew through about $1500. Now granted, part of that was a loan to Joe-Steve that it seems I will never get back. That's kind of okay, because if Vegas were the last time I see him or Jaysen, my life would be perfectly fine.
Part of spending money for me is gaining weight. A lot of the money I spend is on food and alcohol. I've got to get my shit together. It feels so much harder o be healthy here than it was in Biloxi. I miss a lot of things about Biloxi a lot. I see a path through Blockbuster that I could have made things work out, but I will never go back. And Memphis would never be the same. I just want to move away from all of this. I never want to run into someone I went to school with ever again. I don't want to stand out. I just want to be one of the millions of fish.
One of the things that's getting me down is being good at my job. I try to stay humble, but I'm better at my job than anyone else there. And I hate the little remarks that people make tying together degradation and a compliment. I'm tired of the sarcasm. Just get the fuck over it that I know what I'm doing. You should to. A fifth grader could do what we do.
And so I continue, digging myself farther into a hole of debt, trudging bitter and angry into the abyss...
In general, life has been pretty boring, in a pretty good way. I miss the amazing weather and exercise-friendly infrastructure of the Gulf Coast, but I'm not going to complain about living in a nice house with good food for free. My job is still awesome, and I could see myself working at the Park Vista for as long as my grandmother is alive. If anything were to ever happen to her, I would more than likely move, but I've already talked to my mom about alternative arrangements. She's selling her car, which I turned down, and my car's doing pretty good. I still have a spoiler and muffler on my list of things to buy as money becomes available. At the same time, I will be taking advantage of a great opportunity at the end of the month. I found tickets to Las Vegas for about $160 round trip (which surprisingly is $125+taxes from Hell), and I get comped rooms at almost anywhere. I don't think that's because I play that much, I just think they're desperate to get anyone out there. So I got a suite at the Rio. I know it's off the Strip (and I so almost booked the Flamingo), but it's just so freaking cool. Half naked people and Chippendales running around all over the place and one of the biggest pools in Vegas and therefore the world, I mean, come on. It's perfect. I'm really excited. Not a whole lot else going on here, but of course, there will be a friends only entry with some of the more juicy stuff :)
I've had a rough time dealing with the fact that I will never see Adam again, despite all of his faults. So I sent him a letter via Facebook message. I feel a little better, but the end of a friendship always hurts.The lyrics cut deep into my soul. Cuz I'm emo like that.
( "Closure" lyricsCollapse )
It was so good to have my mom come in town to see me :)Some of the things we did:
- Got fed at the Shed
- Visited the casinos
- Drive-thru daiquiris
- Stennis Space Center
- Toured the MS West Coast
- Rode the Tour Train
- Peter Anderson Craft Festival
- Karaoke in Ocean Springs (Mom even sang to me!)
- Toured NOLA
- Partied on Bourbon Street
I can't wait to get home. This really was a nice finale to the area.
I feel done with Biloxi. It's time to start over again.
Smooth and easy sailing. I can't wait for my mom to come in town!